One of our colleagues, Andrew
wrote:
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Hi, guys —
I have a family-oriented question.
Recently, my sister-in-law, divorced 10 years
ago after marrying in a Catholic church, informed
us that she is pregnant with the good person
she has been living with for past nine years. Her marriage was never annulled despite our
family's and our priest's offering to assist.
Her mother, my mother-in-law, a devout, wonderfully
and loving Catholic, who was widowed at age
43, and amazingly and lovingly raised all
three her children in the Catholic faith,
has urged them to at least:
A. Fulfill the process to get an annulment
and then marry, or
B. Get married in another Christian faith.
Again, zero actions. My wife (this is, of
course, her sister) and I have two children,
attend Mass weekly, and have always raised
our children in the faith. We also, after
much hesitation, opened our hearts and welcomed
my sister-in-law's new partner into our lives
and home. From a secular perspective,
they are both kind and good citizens, with
no other negative issues. He comes from a
family of divorced parents and has no faith
base in his life, never being raised in a faith-based home.
The news of my sister-in-law's pregnancy,
while still not married is weighing heavy
on our (my) family. This ongoing example of
living together and now with child out of
wedlock is unacceptable for us and is an unacceptable
example to our children.
I still love them, but think we may now stop
seeing them as a regular part of our lives.
I seek some wisdom and guidance.
- Do you have any thoughts?
Thank you!
Andrew
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Do you have any advice for my pregnant sister-in-law whose not married (with no past annulment)? }
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Mary
Ann replied:
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Dear Andrew —
The problem is not the pregnancy.
God made the child and gave it as
a gift to challenge them to step
up and meet His love with theirs
in the right way.
Your sister-in-law appears to be
weak in some way in regard to her
paramour or perhaps she has a problem
in conscience with the Faith, or
has some psychological issue of trust
from the previous marriage.
It might
be good to ask her why she has not
married, to see if there are problems. She may have a good reason, in her
mind, that can be addressed and rectified.
She may not want to be married to
this man, and this child will force
the issue for her, which will be
a good thing. The question of the
child's baptism will be another thing
that will focus the couple's minds
on the real issues at stake.
Now is not the time to stop seeing
them, though the Church has always
recommended that you should not allow
them to sleep at your house as if
married, when you did, it was
tacit approval of their relationship
as the equal to that of marriage.
You cannot require the couple to
marry in the Church, or in any denomination (Why
in the world would you want to compound
the problems by having them marry
in a Protestant church?) The
only thing you can recommend now,
is that they marry civilly so that
the paramour has a legal responsibility
for the children and so that your
sister-in-law has legal protections.
The grandmother, your wife's mother,
would be the best one to bring this
up.
Your children do not need to know
what the living arrangements of their
elders are. If they do, then explain
to them that you are honoring their
consciences and that one must presume
people to be in good conscience or
ignorance, out of charity. You certainly
can welcome them at family gatherings, but pursuing
normal day-to-day business as usual
close relations of friendship with
them, No. That would be a witness
that their living situation is acceptable.
I take as my example St. Monica.
Her son, St. Augustine, had a long-time
paramour and a child. While she prayed,
suffered, and gave witness, she also
stayed close to them. Do not reject
her for becoming pregnant. Good grief,
perhaps, up to now, they have contracepted,
which is an objective evil.
- Were
you all OK with that; just not wanting
the scandal of an illegitimate child
in the family?
That is not the important thing.
The mother and the child need and
deserve all the support and love
they can get now. It is this
support and love that will draw her
towards Christ, not rejection of
her for the gift of God in the child.
Mary Ann
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